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My name is Neon.
Have a nice day`
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חתכתי היום
18/01/2015 14:52
Neon
i thought i had a chance with him
i thought thats it, finally someone i can love and not give up on him for a friend
but damn i was wrong
i wish i was asexual - they at least have 1 less problem (one less problem without 'yaXD) and most of them don't worry about why they feel or not feel love...
im so stupid

so i cut today for the first time
in the toilet, with a roller
i read a lost of stories about suicidal teens and how they cut etc
i was one of the people who said don't do it, its bad, its addictive
and today i tried it myself

it hurt so much
i wanted to stop, but i continued to do it
i said i felt sick - that was the half reason to me being all the break in the girl toilets.
i didnt cut 1 or 2
i did it 18 times. i wanted blood to pour out but i got nothing but a little scratches
that, well, hurt.

i wont do it anymore beacause im scared it'll leave scars and my mom will find out
i dont want to break her down
thats the least thing i want to do.


my other bff and the boy i like always hang up, im in emotional break down
i always can't get the one i love. always.
but...
the only time someone/a boy/ said to me that he loves me was in kindergarten
i remember all the times, i remember everything.
i want to kill myself
drown in the ocean
at least i'll be hugged by the thing i love the most after my mom and animals, water. 
2 תגובות
shy inlove
17/01/2015 23:01
Neon
in case youre wondering why i write in english
its because i want to practice it more AND i express my emotions better in english

ok.
so im half inlove/half not
and why is that? well i have/i pretty sure/ an emotional disorder of some sort because i can feel and give all the love in the world for few minutes and then im cold as ice
its make me question my love, myself and my life.
i hate to feel this way.
so this boy, im not even sure he likes me.
i feel ugly, my face covered in acne pimples and scars, my nose full of blackheads, i might have /will have PCOS which causes extra hair growth all over the body, so i shave...YES and im ashamed of it
im short -  which is the only thing i like about myself after my eyes
im an introvert - if you dont know what its is read about it, its too much to explain and NOOOOOO its not other word for "shy"
im also shy. im anti social.
im VERY WEIRD. like IM NOT JOKING.
and i have trust issues.
 why would ANYONE fall inlove with someone like this??
im disgusting piece of shit...

i dont talk to anyone especially boys, and when i do, i always think theyre inlove with me and all this kind of bullshit my head mades up...
i dont social skills
I HAVE NOTHING TO FUCKING OFFER
but i fell hard for him.
but i think he's just a flirt... my bff already inlove with him and she tells me how jealous she is of my other bff and him.

I WANT TO FUCKING CUT SO MUCH BUT IM A COWARD
freaking useless piece of shit...
thats what i am 
0 תגובות
im fucked up in the head
17/01/2015 22:43
Neon
so I've been intermittent fasting since 4 grade
i don't remember a day i didn't had at least 12 hours of non eating
but i have a problem
there is days where i eat and everything is fine
the next day i can't eat at all - it's just make me feel like vomiting
i get scared when i see i gained weight over 47
my ideal weight it 45
i dont even think about it when i starve
my mom always tells me i will end up in hospital
i dont care
i wont cause im still in a healthy weight

sometimes i wanted to cut, to feel the physical pain - does it stop the emotional one?

i have periods, but they're not always come on regular basis
my stomach make VERY loud noises at school even when i eat just for it to shut up
i never been told im fat - actually ive been called skinny by my friends but
i feel like a sack of fat all the time
i have to be the skinniest in the circle of my friends - if i dont - i feel bad and cry
i hate it. i do.
but i love it at the same time.

0 תגובות